Descent In To Mad

The following started as an email to a colleague that was hosting a web based meeting of others in my position. I have done some editing for clarity, and to remove references to our line of work. It is not my intention to call my coworkers out publicly. In fact, I say that is not the kind of person I am in the email I sent. It is my intention to show how easily we slip in to a mindet that is counter not only to what we say we are about, but also to what we intend to do. All edits or content that did not appear in the email itself are in italics for my own transperancy.

As much as I have tried to be private, I am also all about being as aithentic as possible. So here is what I wrote:

I wanted to explain to you why I left the meeting today without a word and why I feel as if today, as a group, we failed at making a safe and caring environment. I am not ussually one for safe spaces, as I feel as if that creates a false environment that doesn’t truly support people grwoing and bettering themselves, though I do believe people should feel comfortable enough to remain in the space. No one should ever feel shame for who they are; perhaps, sometimes a little guilt for what they have done is ok.

2020 has been a difficult year for everyone, and we should recognize that some have had a worse year than others. That we are trying to make the best of a bad situation is not lost on me.

In the last week, the North American world has taken a drastic turn. While the catalyst for that has been what happened “to that poor man,” these issues run far deeper and are much more broad than we seem willing to admit. For context, the quote is what someone had said in the meeting. Since the recipient was in the meeting, I did not feel it needed context. It does here. Goerge Floyd is the poor man in question and what happened was his murder.

I have never made a huge secret of my past, and I have written about it extensively on the internet and in the book I published. Because of this, I feel safe in sharing this much here in a professional setting. I spent time on the streets of Toronto in the early nineties. I have been a victim of and witnessed police brutality, and have first hand experience with racial violence. A friend of mine was killed in front of me by Skinheads for no other reason than he was black. I was beaten severely for being his friend. These experiences are not unique, and we as caring professionals need to understand this. I have never claimed to corner the market on bad shit, and I can think of at least a hundred people I have met who have worse stories than mine. I supplied this information for context, as the person I was emailing has no real idea who I am or anything about me really. I want to be clear here, I am not co-opting or even saying, I hear ya Brother, to what is going on right now in terms of civil disarray. For the first time in my life I am starting to come to grips with what privilage I do have. I may have experienced some of the same situations that people of colour and other minorities do; yet, I had the ability to walk away and become something else. No black man, to my knowledge, has had to opportunity to stop being a black man.

In a chat room full of what I would describe as middle aged white people, we dismissed the experiences of people we do not know or understand. What truly frustrated me, was the fact that we all have people under our care with diverse and different experiences. They look to us, the deleted reference for guidance. In fact, I would posit that we as a collective have a far greater impact on the socialization and moral character of these people than do the others. I also likely do not need to say, in some cases, far too many cases, we have more impact than their families.

We must always, whether we are just talking to each other or to others, strive to be the better angels of our nature. That encompasses being inclusive and understanding that we do not know the breadth of experiences where we are. The things we do and say matter. Talking out our ass as if everyone in the room shares our general life experience is to waste the diversity, of even a meeting where everyone looks the same. Oh and just to be fair and balanced, I was the only male in the meeting.

We must be sensitive to the fact that there are people out there who do not see society, authority, police, or governments as protectors, or as safe. Some of my hardest moments as a professional involve me having to meet with police. My experiences have led me to not always trust them. I overcome this when I have to for my clients, but my schema is not your schema, or anyone else’s in that room today.

I left because I was not sure how far the conversation would go, and I wanted to leave with my professionalism as intact as possible. My biggest fear right now is the dreaded, All Lives Matter slogan.

Oh for sure, all lives matter; but, not all lives are in the same peril. As long as geography (including where in a region you are born), skin colour, religion, ethnic group and orientation makes a difference on how you are treated and how likely you are to survive, we as a group need to be stronger than our upbringing, stronger than our bias, and stronger than our desire to protect what we have over everyone else. It comes accross like everyone is afraid of property damage and some corporations losing dollars, and insurance companies having to pay out (don’t cry for them, they will pass the cost on, you can be sure of that). The truth is, people are scared that the property damage and the protests threaten their way of life. This, in my opinion doesn’t necessarily mean their privilage (though in many cases it does) it may just mean their comfort and place in society they have actually earned. Yes, some people do earn their place through effort, though in the next paragraph I acknowledge sometimes the struggle is far easier. Perhapos I need to say more about that though. The easiest way to put it is that an uphill climb is far easier if you start halfway up the hill.

That poor man started the race from behind, and no matter what led up to his appearance in that video, people looked at him differently because of the colour of his skin. He was treated differently because of the colour of his skin. He is nowhere near the first. The anger and frustration that is being seen is not about this man, but about all those who have come before. It is about the smaller incidents that don’t end in death, but end in people being abused and mistreated. In hindsight, smaller may be the wrong word here. Smaller in the sense that they do not make the news, and nobody reports on them. I have a suspicion that they are as equal to the deaths, if not slightly worse. Think about it, almost being hit by a car pumps the adrenalin in to your system. Now imagine if every time you walked on the sidewalk you had to scan around for a car about to run you over because for whatever reason, in your neighbourhood, the cars sometimes drive on the sidewalk. You would be constantly hit with Adrenalin. A parked car might even scare you or at least worry you. As a person with PTSD, I can assure you it is tiring as fuck to be constantly on alert.

History has been full of conflict, and people trying to fight for their rights. In America, the Boston Tea Party is celebrated as some sort of amazing civil event. It was a violent protest. This was a lame argument that was half thought out and sanatized for professionalism. I wanted to say revolution is always violent. People have always had to fight for what they needed in regards to society.

Today, in your webex meeting, we as a group dismissed what is happening to these people on a regular basis. We were ok and some agreeed with a statement that said, bad stuff happened, but get over it. Bad stuff happens, sure. A broken down car is bad stuff. A stubbed toe is bad stuff. The regular murder of people because of the colour of their skin is not bad stuff. The fact that black people are targeted for police stops is not bad stuff. The fact that whole communities lack the resources they need to be strong and safe is not bad stuff. It is a complete failing of our system. While things in the States are far worse than here, it is still here. It is still now. I live in a city with the fourth highest rate of hate crimes in Canada. Of course, that doesn’t amount to a large number, but 1 is too fucking many.

Sorry for the long ramble. This is what I was feeling when we dismissed the experiences of others because the reaction hit to close to our own fears. I left that meeting because I felt like I did not belong.

Please understand, I am sending this to you because I am a professional, and a person who believes in directly interacting with people who I feel I am in “conflict” with. I require no response or follow up of any kind. I merely wanted to explain myself and hopefully explain my actions.

I have done a quick edit pass through this, but I fear if I line edit, I will not post this. I do not wish to shame people, though some people reading this may know who was in that meeting. I cannot help that. I have removed all identifiers of my job and that needs to be enough. I do risk getting in trouble for this, but it is worth it to me. I think it important to note that despite being in a position to make change and to help, we as a group today did this instead. Fuck that.