Now I lay Me Down to Sleep

or, how I learned to chill out and love the nap!

After last week’s post about my first love (spoiler, heartbreak), I wanted to do something a little more lighthearted and whimsical. Then I got tired.

Thus, the list of naps was born!

I wanted to write something profound and earth shakingly useful. I wanted to write something poetic about napping, at which point I realised making paragraph breaks

at random

places in

your sentence,

is not actually

poetic.

Maybe I should stick with what I know; and, what I know is how to make a list, and how to flop down and nap, no matter what is happening.

The Nap is a time honoured tradition, and one I have spent a good deal of my time studying it. This past Saturday I was able to return to the realm of the Olympic nap, which  is one of the best of the naps, if an incredibly rare one. This nap got me thinking.

I have tried every version of nap on all manner of surfaces and I am finally ready to present to you my results. I think this qualifies as science.

1. The Travel Nap

This is really the most basic of naps, and it is also the worst. This nap is fitful, and the majority of us, unless ridiculously drunk. One will come in and out of consciousness randomly. Ok randomly isn’t fully true. You will come in out out of sleep to the sound of your own snores.

A big characteristic of this nap is the head bob. This is where the chin meets the chest, then rockets upwards in that 5 year old, “I am not tired mom” way. This tends to cause serious neck trauma and generally leads to the required neck/back rub, should a significant other be handy. Don’t ask a stranger on the bus. I am told it is creepy.The only real value that this nap has is the fact that it is designed to make a long trip much shorter. This has some effect on the disposition of the napper, making them slightly more pleasant to be around at the end of the journey. I should point out though, that your mileage may very greatly, as some people you just can’t make in to positive travelers; even with 7 gravol and an ambien.

Mainly used on buses and planes, there is also a car variant of this; however, attempting to nap in a car is most likely going to be inefficient as whoever drives will wake you at regular intervals out of jealousy.

2. The Power Nap

This is a very strange nap type because it defies science. Our best and brightest minds have been dispatched to study a very limited number of issues. We have managed to solve the floppy penis problem, so that was a win. What we haven’t been able to do is harness the power of this nap and bottle it.

This is the unintended nap. It is the result of working too hard or playing too hard. Thousands of people have fallen asleep at their desks for thousands of reasons, but the most common reason is algebra.

This is your brain shutting down to protect you. This may result in injury, or an embarrassing imprint on your face of a keyboard or desk blotter.

While this is unintentional napping, it tends to have a high reward when you wake. Generally people will feel relaxed and rejuvenated post nap, which all the better for continued algebraic equations.

Be warned; no one likes you when you do this, so it may result in a loss of friends, teacher respect or dinity as your face may take several minutes to return to normal shape.

3. The Drool Nap

This is truly the nap our scientists should be trying to figure out. If we could combine the power nap with the drool nap we would be able to rule the galaxy. I honestly think that if Darth Vader had been trying to learn these secrets rather than those of sith alchemy, Luke would have joined him, and we would have far fewer muppets to deal with today.

Drool napping is unpredictable, and it is nearly impossible to force. It can happen during any type of nap at any time. It transforms an ordinary nap into the most transformative experience an individual can have.

Waking from this state is so powerful you are disoriented at first. As understanding dawns, you will slowly wipe the drool from your face with the back of your hand. At first you will be a bit sickened by it, and then more so when you see the wet spot on whatever surface your face was resting. After the initial shock wears off you will realise you are now fully rested, and you had the strangest dreams….

This is the Nirvana of napping and can only be reached by repeated practice, or by getting lucky.

When it happens, rejoice in it, for there are those in this world who may never achieve such lofty heights.

A few things you should know about napping properly:

1. It is rarely, if ever recommended to nap in your own bed. This has the danger of turning from nap to legitimate sleep cycle. It will ruin you for days and have the opposite effect of what you intended.
2. It is usually recommended to have some type of noise in the background. Television and radio work well for this, and I personally recommend some type of sports programming. Sports related naps can have a wondrous effect on you, and it may allow you to convince your significant other to watch with you. The only caveat is that volume is a fickle mistress. Sports programs tend to get loud near the end, so be careful. Always set the volume low. Baseball is the best regular sport; however, the Olympics can provide some quality nap fodder. I’m looking at you mixed pairs double team figure skating group event.
3. Do not set mechanical alarms. It is far too much like waking up in the morning and your body won`t understand and will just think you didn`t get enough sleep. Use humans to wake you, or hope you wake on your own.
4. Never complain about someone snoring during a nap, that is what they are for. I am sure scientists would agree that you have to get the snores out of you lest you explode from the pent up snore gasses.
5. If you nap through it, it wasn`t important and it is just the universe’s way of telling you you shouldn`t have done it. Stop worrying.
6. I am going to stop and go take a nap now.